tag:gutsychristianity.com,2005:/blogs/women-societyWomen & Society 2022-02-23T16:34:54-05:00gutsychristianity.comfalsetag:gutsychristianity.com,2005:Post/69053482022-02-23T16:34:54-05:002023-10-16T11:03:11-04:00The Most Surprising Thing About Motherhood<p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/398967/dd1527267e3f286201dc7114277b8c6e88906c5b/original/untitled-design-2022-02-23t145703-491.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsImxhcmdlIl1d.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_none" alt="the most surprising thing about motherhood" /></p>
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<p><span class="font_large">Motherhood. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">It's a destination you can reach via the portal of pregnancy, childbirth, and a load of pain. We can also arrive there through other means that are no less painful for all those involved. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Separation. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Foster care. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Adoption. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I have done both, and for me, the pain was forgotten in an instant. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">The term Motherhood is often loaded. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">After months or years of waiting for courts and adoption papers to move, pregnancy sticks to turn colors, and babies to be brought forth squirming and opinionated into the world, the great, heavy door swings open and reveals the expanse privy to only those who have cared for a tiny human soul. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">That is what this post is about: the surprises of motherhood. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">As I have walked down the road that mothers travel, I have encountered the unexpected. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">My days are a mixture of the unimaginably cute and the horrifyingly gross. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Motherhood is, at times, both the most unforgiving and also the most forgiving thing I've ever done. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">It's punishing. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">24 hours a day and seven days a week, you are on call.</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">You miss meals. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">You do with less sleep. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">You work through illness, disappointment, and frustration. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Your own needs are on hold. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">But at the same time, my mistakes are always forgiven. They are met with kisses and an upturned face that thinks I can do anything, and I am met with such unconditional love, I am sure I do not deserve it. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She thinks I can climb mountains, when I have trouble even climbing the stairs. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large"> Now that I have changed from the mothered to the mothering, and my vantage point is higher, I can see this so now clearly: our children do not know us. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I see that I did not and do not know my own mother, because it is so obvious that my baby does not know me. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Let me explain. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She knows kisses and cuddles and that I would slug through deserts carrying her on my back, slowly, of course. She knows I am fraught with something that keeps me mostly sedentary a great deal of the time. She knows I would do anything to make her laugh. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She, however, knows the mommy side of me. She doesn't know the individual and the person who I am, and it astounds me that this is the state of mothers and children everywhere who can be so close physically and emotionally all day long. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She doesn't know of my songs, even though she hears them. She doesn't know of my struggles, although she sees them. She doesn't know of the love that I have for her father that survived through a divorce, through our remarriage, and through the unthinkable. She doesn't know that Daddy and Mommy waited fifteen years for their miracle. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She doesn't know I play the violin. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She doesn't know that I write, and she knows nothing of my political advocacy. She knows not of my travels to another country where I was born, and she is not aware that I speak Spanish. My child has no knowledge that I cannot eat gluten and that I have a myriad of health concerns and allergies. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She doesn't know I am old. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">My little one doesn't know of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations, and she does not know what motivates me. And if the truth were told, I do not know these things of my parents either. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I wish I did. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">It makes me see that I do not know the reasons why my parents did as they did and that I cannot judge someone whom I do not know as an equal. Because they are mythic and superhuman to me, I cannot see them as people, and I never knew I would learn about myself and my views toward the previous generation by becoming a mother. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I thought I knew everything, and I wish I had given them more grace. I wish I had not held on to such bitterness for so long. Motherhood has taught me that there is always more to what we think we see, even when it is right in front of our faces. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">That we can be so intimate with something, and yet, it is just only the iceberg's tip. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I am less quick to judge and more prone to forgive. I am slower with my finger-pointing, and I just want to understand. And for me, this is the most surprising thing about motherhood. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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<p>About the Author</p>
<hr><p style="text-align: justify;"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/398967/a8598eb6b76e39dbf1cb67a0a18e1ceba5bfb9b1/original/80722741-2432051263714246-3424633237647917056-n-3.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpg" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" />Rosa A. Hopkins has hosted radio shows on 11 Christian stations, is a writer of gospel songs, has promoted Heartbeat legislation, and is a singer and songwriter. Her writings can also be found on her Facebook page. Join 18,000 other readers <a contents="here" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.facebook.com/rosahopkinswriting" target="_blank">here</a>.</p>
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<form action="https://www.listbaby.com//account/signup/43990" method="post"><p><input name="signup_submit" type="submit" value="Subscribe!"></p></form>gutsychristianity.comtag:gutsychristianity.com,2005:Post/68868582022-02-02T16:37:57-05:002022-02-02T16:37:58-05:00Purity Culture is Dangerous <p><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/398967/5ae898d2ace73011df9094df766d2ea2142c8c0d/original/untitled-design-2022-02-02t162806-726.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W10=.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></p><script type="text/javascript" async defer src="//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js"></script>
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<p><span class="font_large">Purity culture. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">It sounds so nice. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">It sounds noble. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">The goals sound godly. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">So what could be the problem? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Everything. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">The rules of purity culture go like this: it is up to a woman to keep a man from stumbling because of her clothing choices, and she is not to meet with a man alone. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I had thought, like any sane human being would, that these rules were espoused to protect the young from sin or wrongdoing and to keep them along the straight and narrow path. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I was wrong. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I have witnessed too many times to count that these supposed safeguards from impurity are used to blame victims when something untoward (read illegal) happens to them, and it goes like this. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">What was she doing alone with him? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Boys only want one thing. She should have known that. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Look at her clothes, she was asking for it. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She participated, she's not a victim. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">She seduced him. She needs to apologize and repent. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">So, all an abuser has to do is blur the lines slightly, and he or she is golden? Invite a girl to his dorm room or keep her out past her curfew? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">This means that the system is not only set up to protect rapists, pedophiles, and molesters, but it also provides a ready excuse for them. Blame the women! It's their fault. They're not real victims! It becomes a veritable cry to burn the witch at the stake. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Respectable women in this system feel often it is their job to toe the line, because everything is set up to protect those with the most power. Nevertheless, these same women sometimes make the choice to add to the pile-on of guilt directed at victims. The least of these are at the bottom of the heap, and as such, are left unprotected.</span></p>
<p><span class="font_large"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font_large">I've watched as purity culture proponents on social media have railed against the stories now brought to light, clearly angry that women would dare speak about what had happened to them. I've read stories of churches that subjected victims to church 'discipline' and who never contacted authorities. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">In purity culture, the focus clearly is not on protecting women and girls and is oddly aligned with protecting rapists. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I'm suspicious of that, and I don't trust them around my daughter or me for that matter. I'll be blunt. I think they protest too much, because they identify in some way with these molesters. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Think that is too harsh? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I think they have some explaining to do. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">When money-launderers are caught on television and sentenced to prison, I don't find an immediate defense for them, because I can't identify with that. When people are caught breaking and entering and get in trouble, I don't identity with that either. I am not vocal about blaming victims of theft and robbery, because I don't identify with robbers. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">So why do some folks defend rapists? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Repeatedly. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Emphatically. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Passionately. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">And why do they re-victimize people by putting them through hell after they come forward? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">In the news and on social media lately, we are hearing a lot about the #metoo movement and about the allegations involving men in power and sexual harassment or assault. Because of this, we are also hearing much commentary from the purveyors of all things sexually pure. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">And there is cause for concern. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I don't trust that they want things sexually pure. I think some want an easy breeding ground for the types of abuses they're into. And God does not smile on that. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">And if I'm wrong and leaders are not perpetrators themselves, perpetrators are surely listening to the rhetoric and see a clear coast for them to do their work. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Either way. I'm not interested and plan to stay far, far away. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">For the rest of us, our theology needs to accurately portray what scripture says: that a man who lusts has already committed adultery with a woman in his heart. There is no mention of her clothing, whether they were alone together, or any other thing that could possibly be construed to mean that it was her fault. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">The responsibility for controlling one's eyes belongs to the one doing the gazing. Job recognized this when he said he made a covenant with his eyes not to look upon a maiden. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">I even read in a book written by a large organization that Tamar's rape was her own fault for not anticipating that that could happen. Our girls deserve better than this, and purity culture is dangerous. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Imagine for just one minute that you have been raped. Imagine being told it was your fault. Imagine that someone guilty of rape was allowed to operate in a leadership capacity in your midst. Imagine how worthless you would feel. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">It is not, therefore, hard to see how 70% of victims spiral into depression. 94% of victims will experience PTSD. 33% will contemplate suicide. 13% will attempt suicide. They are between three and a half to ten times more likely to use drugs than the general population. 84% experience moderate or severe distress and problem at work or at school. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">But purity culture isn't concerned about that. They've sent that message loud and clear. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">One last note. Many churches are lax at reporting crimes, because they follow the admonition not to sue one another. People sue for civil matters, no? </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">The Bible also says that we are to obey magistrates and have nothing to fear if we have done nothing wrong. This has to do with criminal matters. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">Assault and rape doesn't fall under the first category. These are crimes and must be reported. Enough said. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span class="font_large">As it is, purity culture can only continue for so long before its rotten fruit will be obvious to all. Until then, you don't need purity culture to avoid having premarital sex. If that were the case, there wouldn't be so many leaders in the movement involving scandal.</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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<p>About the Author</p>
<hr><p style="text-align: justify;"><img src="//d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/398967/a8598eb6b76e39dbf1cb67a0a18e1ceba5bfb9b1/original/80722741-2432051263714246-3424633237647917056-n-3.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpg" class="size_s justify_left border_none" alt="" />Rosa A. Hopkins has hosted radio shows on 11 Christian stations, is a writer of gospel songs, has promoted Heartbeat legislation, and is a singer and songwriter. Her writings can also be found on her Facebook page. Join 18,000 other readers <a contents="here" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.facebook.com/rosahopkinswriting" target="_blank">here</a>.</p>
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